What your cigarette brand says about you

Smoking may not be cool, kids, but a lot of people still do it. And whether you’re a Marlboro Man or a Dunhill Dame (not a thing), your choice of smoke tells me a whole lot more about you than you think

“Like opening a Christmas present every morning.” Serge Gainsbourg (I think)

Yes, I am judging you. So is everyone else. All the time. About everything. And if you’re a smoker, which I have been/am/will be (delete according to when you’re reading this), you are in the dock more often the Mary Rose.

However, I’m not here to judge you on your wise/unwise (delete as appropriate to your health and mood) decision to take up this most pernicious/enjoyable (delete as appropriate) of habits — I mean there are enough people who will wave their hands in front of their faces or cough in an exaggerated fashion when you pass. I am here to inform you that, despite the fact that all cigarette packets now look like tiny promo boxes for Zombie Flesh Eaters, your brand tells me everything I need to know about you.

And before you come back with the “no one smokes anymore” argument, tell that to the 14% of the UK that still does (or the 38% of French people or the 42% of Greeks). Read this and you’ll learn all you need to about smokers, if you’re willing to stand outside in the cold and work out which brand they’re actually smoking. Go on, they’re/we’re (delete according to when you’re reading this) like mini dragons.

1. Benson and Hedges

The UK’s best-selling smoke. Formerly came in a gold pack. Despite the gaudy box being replaced by an advert for ‘low baby weight’, B&H smokers still see that shiny-shiny goodness. They are the Donald Trump of smokers — if it’s gold and if it sells well, then it’s good. Avoid them. Unless you have a passion for hairpieces, meat farts and fascism.

Gold! Gold! All believe in assholes.

2. John Player Specials (JPS)

The Batman of cigarettes. Once clad in an all-black box of mystery, they sneak up on you and hit you like…well, a bat, I suppose. JPS smokers are committed to this darkness. They are eldritch, they are bleak, they are nihilists. If Cthulu smoked, he’d smoke JPS. Again, and for entirely different reasons from B&H puffers, they are best avoided.

This is actually an extreme close-up of a lung

3. Lambert & Butler

Sounding like a pair of opening batsmen for England in the mid-seventies, Lambert & Butler are a throwback to the sunlit uplands of our youth. Let me tell you a story. Back in the early eighties, my twenty-year-old cousin (a man who ate spaghetti sandwiches and wore suits held together by stains) gave me £1 to go and buy a pack of L&B. I did just that. I was 10! Lambert & Butler smokers are misanthropic puce-faced grifters who prop up Wetherspoons and parrot Richard Littlejohn and Rod Liddle. Again, avoid.

L&B originally stood for Lung & Batter but was too on the nose

4. Marlboro Red

Marlboro smokers are the the ‘cool’ kids in class. The cowboys who ride around the Montana plains, dismount only to give women multiple orgasms and look great in double denim. In their minds, they are Johnny Depp, Mickey Rourke and Jack White — without the looks, talent or commitment but with the more problematic elements. They have been seduced by the red and white iconography despite the fact Marlboro packets now look like a morgue attendant’s text book. Keep your distance.

Yeah, er, cool, I guess.

5. Marlboro Lights

All of the above but with a love for the nineties that borders on fundamentalism. There is a caveat here — and that caveat is female. I have never met a woman who smokes Marlboro Lights who isn’t great. If you meet a lady who puffs on these bastards, she’s solid. Men? They were in a failed Britpop/acid jazz band and they’re dangers (probably public school dangers, the worst kind).

The cigarette for the more discerning Jamiroquai fan

6. Sovereign/Sterling/Mayfair

There is a horrible classism attached to these brands — “exclusive” names for cheap fags. They have the same reputation as flat-roof murder pubs, fairground attendants and chicken shops named after any state that isn't Kentucky. Look deeper, friends. These smokers are committed to the act of smoking, they’re happy to share and, paradoxically (given the brand names), very unpretentious. Give them a chance.

Classy, like winning at Monopoly. And at life.

7. Rothmans

You need lungs like Jacques Costeau to get through one of these bastards. Let alone smoke them regularly. Rothmans smokers are the hardcore. They are the 300 of smokers. The Rocky Marciano of puffers. The honey badger of nicotine addicts. A Rothmans smoker will stand by you for life. A fairly short life granted but still.

Rothmans. For particular people. Just not that particular

8. Camel

Every clan has its jokers. This brand used to have a cartoon camel on it — LOLs (replaced by black lungs — not so LOLs) but those crazy ships of the desert are harmless and funny, right? Camel smokers seem to be the Jackasses of the high tar world. But appearances can be deceptive. Camel adherents are incredibly dangerous. I guarantee Mel Gibson smokes Camels. Stay away.

The new James Bond

9. Silk Cut

Silk Cut smokers are the worst (and I know — I am/was/will be one). They/we can’t make up their/our minds. They/we don’t want to smoke but can’t stop. They/we are methodone to heroin. They/we are CBD to proper weed. They/we are Bud Light, Coke Zero, a Macdonald’s Wrap. They/we genuinely believe they’re not smoking. They/we are delusional but they/we’re not bad people. Delusional, broken and lacking in self esteem but not bad.

So many flavours…of death

And so, non-smokers and smokers alike, we/you reach the end. There are many other brands — Gauloise (French dangers), Vogue (thin fags for thin people), roll-ups (a whole other article), Dunhill (does anyone even smoke these?) and e-cigarettes and vaping (come on!) to name but a few, but now you know who’s cool and who isn’t.

Next time, I’ll be doing lager — sneak peek, stay away from anyone who likes Carling or craft beer.