What your brand of lager says about you
The popular beat combo Underworld once wrote “Lager, lager, lager. Mega, mega white thing, mega, mega white thing.” That is all you need to know about the UK’s favourite urine-producing megafizz. And whether you’re a San Miguel Stanley or an Artois Stella, your choice of lager tells me a whole lot more about you than you think
Lager has a lot in common with milk. It is no one’s favourite drink; it’s the only liquid still served in pints; and (if you’re a baby at least), it comes in cans (pardon the sexist and reactionary nomenclature). Indeed, heavy-duty lager drinkers and babies are very similar. They spend a lot of time sleeping; they worship breasts; and they often end the evening pissing themselves involuntarily.
But I’m not here to judge your decision to imbibe the backbone of the British boozer — I mean what else will a real man order at his local? A tall drink of water? That’s an actual British insult. A glass of wine? But that’s for the lady. A cocktail? No true specimen of the man beast would order a drink with the word cock in it. No, it’s lager, lager, lager all the way.
And before you come back with the “well, it’s all flavoured G&Ts, craft beer and Aperol Spritzes (Spritzi? Spritza? Spritzen?) now” argument, tell that to the 39% of the US, or the (also) 39% of Poles or the 45% of British people that say lager is their go-to drink.
Read on and you’ll learn all you need to know about lager drinkers if you’re willing to get up close and personal, and enter a world where people choose something based on its price, nationality and can size —just like they do with their women.
- Kronenbourg 1664
A beer that shares its name with a film director synonymous with body horror. And with good reason. This French ‘premium’ (not a thing) lager is for the person who wants to get “there”. “There” being oblivion. “There” being an out of body experience. “There” being an evening of fluid-soaked expulsions so violent that they are on the UN banned list.
Swerve the Kronenbourg drinker unless you need to test out a new mop or want to know what it would be like to be friends with BrundleFly.
2. Heineken
It’s Dutch, it features an outsized red star on its label and it’s James Bond’s beer of choice. If you see someone with a Heineken in their hand, they may as well be holding a flourishing, flowing, florid red flag. Heineken is the beer that launched a hundred swingers’ parties, a thousand porn dungeons and a million sex swings.
The choice is yours — if you like your sex dark, dirty and dangerous, grab a Heinie lover. If not, take your arse elsewhere.
3. Tennents
Tennents is the Jeckyll and Hyde of lager. It is a pint of duality. Because there are two Tennents. There’s yellow ‘normal’ Tennents — a beer so bland you’ve already forgotten I’m writing about it — and then there’s ‘blue’ Tennents Super. A lager that redefines the word “super” to mean “sphincter-suckingly scary”. Just apply that to Superman, Superglue and Superdrug. Every one a nightmare.
In other words, see a fellow with a yellow—mellow. See a crew with a blue — shoo.
4. San Miguel
The Bran Flakes of cereal. The Pop Chips of crisps. The Diet Coke of, well, Coke. It’s a lager that desperately wants you to believe it’s not lager. San Miguel drinkers think their lives are full of tapas, toreadors and tabernas. In fact, it’s just tap ass, torpor and tabs.
If you chance upon a San Miguel drinker outside of San Sebastien, then si, si, si, sit this one out.
5. Amstel
Like masturbation, ketchup and vanilla ice cream, Amstel is the default position of the lager drinker. Amstel is the lager equivalent of a Saturday afternoon mowing the lawn. Amstel is the choice of those who have given up trying; who have dumped their dreams; whose ambitions stretch to an extra Pornhub category.
Amstel drinkers go straight for the Ready Salted crisps and, come on, you’re more Prawn Cocktail than that, surely?
6. Peroni
Italy has given the world many great things beginning with P— pizza, pasta, prosciutto, pancetta and possibly Peroni. Hello, carbs. Ever had a bad night with someone on Peroni? Ever been puked on by a Peronista? Ever been pawed by a Peroni punter? Definitely not.
Peroni is still the same fizzy micturition as any other lager but its imbibers are usually heading toward a carb-coma. And what’s more fun than a sleepy Italian?
7. Stella Artois
Every brand has its black sheep. It comes clad in a shiny white can but it’s blacker than a crow at midnight (thank you, Ice Cube). Serve it in a chalice, serve it in a glass slipper, serve it in the skull of your worst enemy, it’s still Stella. That guy is still drinking it and he’s a still a(r) twat (Geddit? Ah, hell, you don’t deserve me.).
It’s nicknamed “wife-beater” for a reason. Ladies, avoid it. Gents, well, avoid it too.
8. Budweiser
Bud is the beer of The American Dream. It’s a cold one after riding across the Montana plains. It goes down great at a BBQ with your bros at the beach. It’s baseball with your pop. Except this is Swindon, you’re drinking in a flat roof murder pub and your pop is passed out in the corner.
Budweiser is delusion in a can and you don’t want to any part of this American Nightmare.
9. Fosters
No one has ever ordered a pint of Fosters. Think long and hard about every time you’ve been in a pub, ever heard someone order a pint of Fosters? No. Because Fosters doesn’t exist. Like Red Apple cigarettes, Big Kahuna burgers and Sex Panther aftershave, Fosters is a fictional product.
If you ever hear someone ordering a pint of Fosters in a pub, run. Don’t think, don't blink, don’t drink…just run. They are not of this world. Or they’re Australian. Same thing.
10. Carling
And finally we come to the UK’s most popular lager. Once called Carling Black Label (because labels, especially black ones, are classy), this is now the ale that fuelled Brexit; the beer that backs Boris; the lager that wants to pack you off to Rwanda — you being anyone who doesn't drink Carling.
If you want to meet true British patriots—often shirtless, spittle-flecked and sunburnt —they’ll be clutching a warm, wet, weak pint of Carling. You do want to meet true British patriots, right?
And so, drinkers and tee-totallers alike, we reach the end. There are many other brands — Corona/Sol (lager for fruitarians), Brewdog (punk beer for office bullies), non-alcoholic beer (for alcoholics) and Bud/Coors Light (for reasons beyond my comprehension) to name but a few, but now you know who’s cool and who isn’t.
Next time, I’ll be doing crisps— sneak peek, stay away from anyone who likes Twiglets.
