Pitch Perfect Posters 21: Deadly China Doll
Back in the seventies and eighties, film posters offered so much but the movies they advertised delivered so little. Well not any more. Cutting edge technology, digital filmmaking and sheer balls-out chutzpah means we can now bring those films to celluloid life.
So, when we can be bothered, we’ll post a new poster, a logline, casting suggestions and a synopsis of the film. And someone in Hollywood is going to see this and make the films that these amazing posters deserve. Today’s film….Deadly China Doll.
Title: Deadly China Doll
Logline: M3gan meets Enter The Dragon meets Barbie meets Gremlins
Synopsis: Annabelle Punch (Jenny Ortega) is a meek, introverted, lonely young New Yorker whose only joy in life comes from collecting dolls from all over the world (Ed: For the love of Sindy, don’t call them dolls, they are collectible posable action figures).
She has assembled a menagerie of dolls (Ed: Oh, 4Chan is going to go nuts) that would make Bettina Dorfmann (Ed: Google her, for the love of Slappy) cry tiny tears of envy. But one doll is missing…the elusive Chaa Kee aka The Deadly China Doll.
Annabelle’s search for Chaa Kee brings her to a rundown old thrift shop in Chinatown where she discovers the doll of her dreams. The owner, an ancient Chinese mystic named Hames Jong (James Hong — because who else would it be?) offers to sell her Chaa Kee but warns her not to feed her after midnight, not to get her wet and not to shine bright lights on her. Things you would never do to a doll. Although he gives the same warning about everything in his shop.
However, when Annabelle and Chaa Kee are caught in a sudden thunder storm at an outdoor Chinese restaurant at 1am, the Deadly China Doll is brought to life.
Yet, it turns out Chaa Kee isn’t so much deadly, as delectable, delightful and downright upright. She and Annabelle soon bond and become best friends.
But their blossoming dollmance (Ed: Copyright this now) is shortlived when Chaa Kee is stolen by the nefarious Dr House (Hugh Lawrie — it’s a different Dr House), a mad scientist who runs living doll fights on his private island for the pleasure of billionaire doll fetishists.
Now Chaa Kee must live up to her name and fight off a whole cast of other killer dolls with a slew of special powers. There’s Russian Doll (Big! Medium! Small! Really small!), Voodoo Doll (Nasty! Naughty! Needly!), Blow-up Doll (Insatiable! Irrational! Inflatable!) and the toughest of all Barbie Doll (Woke! Womanly! Worth a bazillion dollars!).
Can Chaa Kee stay alive? Can Annabelle rescue her in time? And what does Dr House really want with all those dolls?
All will be revealed in Deadly China Doll. Or Barbie 2: Deadly China Doll, as it will called in regions where we can bypass those silly intellectual property laws.
Why it should be made? Doll movies make killer bank. Killer doll movies make Killerer bank. Doll movie merch make killerest bank. It’s time to play and pay.
Synopsis: Comedy
