Pitch Perfect Posters 19: Blackbird
Back in the seventies and eighties (and in this case, like, just last year), film posters offered so much but the movies they advertised delivered so little. Well not any more. Cutting edge technology, digital filmmaking and sheer balls-out chutzpah means we can now bring those films to celluloid life.
Each day (alright, every so often), we will post a new poster, a logline, casting suggestions and a synopsis of the film. And someone in Hollywood is going to see this and make the actual films that these amazing posters deserve. Today’s film…Blackbird.
Title: Blackbird
Logline: Angel Heart meets Dr Strange meets Pretty Woman meets The Man With the Golden Gun meets Step Up. (Basically every film ever made meets every other film ever made).
Synopsis: Michael Faulty (Michael Flatley) is a depressed fifty-something civil servant, whose career, marriage and life are heading right into the crapper.
On a cold, rain-swept, stormy night in Dublin, he decides to end it all. As he stands on a bridge above the River Liffey, contemplating the dark waters below, a mysterious figure named Lucius Ferr (Nicolas Cage) approaches him. Ferr makes Faulty an offer - a wish-fulfilment shirt in exchange for his soul. Faulty accepts.
Stepping into a grubby Irish theme pub toilet (I think grubby Irish theme pubs in Ireland are just called pubs - Ed), Faulty dons the shirt - a garish garment graced with pictures of fireballs, beautiful women and B-list actors with connections to Julia Roberts (Eric Roberts, Patrick Bergin and at least two lesser Baldwin brothers) - and is immediately plunged into an explosive world of guns, girls and goons who are in some way related to Julia Roberts.
The shirt delivers Faulty to a secluded island, where he must battle his way to boss level and face off against the toothy star of Erin Brokovich herself.
Faulty's sexy, scintillating, spy fantasties are all coming true but when Lucius comes a-calling for his soul, can the sadsack salaryman beat Satan himself - IN A DANCE OFF?
Why it should be made: Did you not hear me? The Lord of the Dance playing James Bond battling The Princess of Big Smiles playing a big bad and then river-dancing off against The Prince of Darkness played by Nic Cage. Read that again.
This is already the greatest cult film of time. Makes the Rocky Horror Picture show look like Rocky and Bullwinkle. Try burying that, Warner Bros.
