Pitch Perfect Posters 15: Finders Keepers

Back in the seventies and eighties, film posters offered so much but the movies they advertised delivered so little. Well not any more. Cutting edge technology, digital filmmaking and sheer balls-out chutzpah means we can now bring those films to celluloid life.

So every so often we will post a new poster, a logline, casting suggestions and a synopsis of the film. And someone in Hollywood is going to see this and make the films that these amazing posters deserve. Today’s film…Finders Keepers.

Title: Finders Keepers

Logline: Ocean’s 8 meets Whip It! meets Money Train meets Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (but without Steven Seagal — bonus points there, right.)

Synopsis: The year is 1984. And the Pike Peak Derby Dames (Charlize Theron, Elle Fanning, Drew Barrymore, Ellen Page, Devon Aoki, Kirsten Stewart, Judi Dench, Olivia Colman and Tiffany Haddish) have just had their funding cut by evil mayor Patrick Stewart (Jonathan Frakes). They’ve got 24 hours to get him the cash or no more jamming, blocking and pivoting.

When lead blocker (and former criminal mastermind) Ellen Barrymore (Theron) is told by her priest Father Dench (Lou Gossett Jr) that the Money Train is coming through Colorado Springs, the Dames concoct a plan to rip off the cash and pay off Stewart. However, they didn't figure on corrupt cops Blake and Lively (CGI’ed Sean Connery and Brian Dennehy) who also want to get their hands on the loots.

They also didn't count on the train’s brakes failing and that wearing rollerskates on a speeding train makes a heist pretty difficult to pull off.

So strap in for a thrill ride like no other (except Unstoppable, Runaway Train and several Liam Neeson films) as eight disenfranchised (but kick-ass) females pull off an incoherent (but brilliant) heist on 5,000-tonnes of totally loco locomotive while being pursued by de-aged barrel-chested men. And then spend about five seconds figuring out the subtext.

Why it should be made: I said a roller derby heist on an out-of-control train featuring some of the most iconic women in cinema up against James frigging Bond. What more do you want? I mean I could stick The Rock and Jason Statham in there if you like but that seems like overkill.