Dad tat: The five Father’s Day gifts which will make you wish you’d never had kids

If you don’t think your kids are disappointments now, then just wait until you open the ‘presents’ they got for you today. And don’t even bother with the cards…

“…before turning the hammer on himself…”

Welcome to the one day dedicated to you. A day to sit in your favourite armchair while the kids run around doing all the stuff you usually do — clean the car, cook Sunday lunch and pay the mortgage.

Of course, none of that will happen because no one really cares about you. A fact that will be demonstrated by one of these gifts, which you WILL receive. So plaster on a smile, hide your tears and keep telling yourself “only eight hours before I can drink myself to sleep”.

1. World’s greatest dad mug

This is possibly the most ill-thought-out and least-wanted present ever wrapped by tiny pointless fingers. First, there is no greatest dads competition. Second, it’s a mug — you win cups for competitions, not mugs. And third, who the hell reads a mug?

Plus you’re not the world’s greatest dad — this is just the opinion of a couple of idiot infants who you’ve managed to keep away from the neighbourhood’s paedophiles for a few years.

“Thanks, Forename. But I don’t support Celtic and your sister First Name Here already got me one.”

2. The world’s greatest Dad Rock album ever

Your record collection — your what? Your Spotify playlist, then — consists of Miles Davies, Boards of Canada, David Bowie and a bunch of eighties 12 inches that sound even better than you remember them.

So what better present than a double CD featuring REO Speedwagon, Oasis and Ugly Kid Joe? I mean you’re a forty-seven-year-old father of three, you’ll obviously love painful three-chord rock songs with lyrics like: ‘you’re a wonderwall’, ‘I was made for lovin’ you’ and ‘we will rock you’.

And no, the irony of including the cover version of Cat’s in the Cradle on a Father’s Day CD is not lost on you. Bastards.

“Nickelback, The Spin Doctors and Razorlight! All on one album! Dignitas, here I come!”

3. Homemade something or other

“She made it herself.” Four words that are only slightly less scary than “I’m afraid it’s malignant.”

Pasta cards, Rice Krispie cakes or some kind of decoration with a felt tip scribble on it. All crap made worse by the fact you have to exalt it like it’s a replica of the Sistine Chapel tattooed on Rihanna’s arse.

Best advice? Smile, say how lovely it is and then pop out and smoke a crafty joint while laughing at it.

“WHAT IS THIS? WHAT DO I DO WITH IT? JUST TELL ME!”

4. Shower Gel/Deodorant set

Nothing says ‘thanks, dad’ more than something that says ‘you smell, dad’. Plus as a man who’s edging towards fifty, smelling of Lynx Africa is liable to get you arrested.

“Can I drink it?”

5. A giant canvas photo of your kids

Your phone is clogged with thousands of photos of the little money hoovers — so what better gift than a Guernica-sized canvas of their gurning faces which you HAVE to hang above YOUR TV?

“Oh that’s lovely, son, but who the hell are these people?”

In the end, why not just buy dad a gravestone and then say it with flowers every single year.

“It’s what he would have wanted”