20 new German words that you need in your life right now

Germans have the coolest words — think Schadenfreude, Foosball, Kindergarten, Poltergeist, Doppelganger. Those words are so much better than their actual definitions. In English, they are prosaic and flat — pleasure in another’s pain, table football, children’s garden, messy ghost and lookalike. The Germans make these words sing. Now, after 15 years of etymological study, the Scheiss Sprechen Language Institute in Dortmund has revealed 20 brand new German words which will soon be part of your everyday lexicon.

“And that what you get for bumping into stuff. Hang on, that’s not schadenfreude”

Kothomer: One who can only poop in their own home.

Kotmarker: One who is happy to poop in other people’s homes.

Kotpot: One who actively enjoys pooping outside (at music festivals, for example).

Spoogetaxi: One who is happy to sleep with anyone, anytime, anywhere.

Hundterloper: A person who strokes your dog without asking for permission.

A hundterloper in action and out of focus.

Frosterloper: A person who advises you on how to look after your kids despite having no kids and not being asked for any advice.

Bosslecker: A person who repeats everything that everyone else has said in a work meeting and gets credit for coming up with all the ideas.

Pfeffelschwanger: A deeply unpleasant and unattractive man who somehow manages to sleep with an astounding number of women.

Wapwapper: A person who sniffs the toilet paper after wiping.

Nudgerloper: A person who sidles up to you when you’re playing fruit machines or quiz games in a pub and offers unrequested advice.

“Oh no, here comes the nudgerloper.”

Uberanus: A person who manages to take up four seats in a train despite buying only one ticket.

Schnappsrue: The feeling you get when you know you’ve had just the right amount of alcohol and you really shouldn't have anymore but you do anyway and you know you’re going to regret it.

Ausfickt: That point in an argument when you’ve said outloud what’s actually on your mind but should have kept it in your mind — and now it’s about to go nuclear.

Kotfehler: That moment when you lick some peanut butter or Nutella off your finger before realising that you haven’t eaten peanut butter or Nutella and you’ve just had a poop.

Schpankblanker: A person who’s obviously been masturbating because they’re locked in the bathroom and their internet history subsequently no longer exists.

“Quick, get Attenborough, we’ve found a schpankblanker in his natural environment.”

Schilkcutter: A person who tells you that they’ve given up smoking but steals your cigarettes.

Fashfarager: A person who uses the definite article before the names of races or minority groups — such as “The gays”, “the Muslims”, “The blacks”.

Fashmogger: A person who drops a little Latin into every single conversation just to prove they’ve had a classical education and are, therefore, better than you.

Unistuhl: A person who manages to drop the fact they went to Oxford or Cambridge into totally unrelated conversations.

Stimmesponge: Unwittingly and innocently mimicking the accent of the person you are speaking to. Which can lead to accusations of racism, fights and potential arrests for hate crimes.